I’d Just as Well Die Early

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I’ve said it many time, I’d rather just die early if they could subtract the amount of time I’ve spent in porta potties, bus stations, and laundry mats off my life. Actually, I’ve had some interesting times in bus stations and a few in laundry mats, so that only leaves porta potties.

I pretty much hate porta potties. I’ve spent way too much time in them for my liking. Racing bikes, we’ve all spent more than our share of time using them. At summer races, I dread having to go into a porta potty. We’ve all been there and there is nothing enjoyable about the experience. The hotter it is, the worse the experience.

But, I’ve never really ever experienced the winter porta potty usage until last weekend. I’m talking about a below 0 winter experience. At the Pre-Birkie, I saw this line of new porta potties and thought, how bad could it be? It is -3, so it couldn’t have much, if any, odor. I go to the 1st one and whoever was in there before me missed everything but the toilet seat. So, the seat was covered with frozen pee. I closed the door and moved to the next one. Same deal. Then the next, same thing. So I went into the next one and it wasn’t any better. I took some toilet paper out and tried to wipe the ice off the seat. Didn’t work. And I didn’t feel much like trying to chip the “ice” off, so I covered the seat with toilet paper and went about my business. Needless to say, when I stood up, I noticed a certain amount of “ice” was melted by my body heat. It was mildly bothersome.

So, using a porta potty in the dead of winter is worse than using a porta potty in heat of summer. I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. Goes to show, you’re never too old to learn something new. But, if I had my way, I would just die that much earlier and miss the experience.

This porta potty line wouldn't be so bad. Burning Man 2010.

9 thoughts on “I’d Just as Well Die Early

  1. Franz

    I used a porta-pottie before a ski race once when it was -10. Sitting on the frozen seat caused my muscles to tighten. When I came out the guy next in line started a conversation with me. I told him he better get in an use it before the seat I had thawed froze again. He then rushed in to use the seat. I can’t think of any other time someone would rush to use a toilet seat that had warmed by another

  2. H Luce

    Get a five-gallon bucket with a good close-fitting lid, a five pound bag of quicklime, a bag of enough cedar shavings to fill up the bucket halfway, and some incense or air freshener. Warm your van up to a comfortable temperature, take the lid off the bucket, take out the bags of cedar shavings and quicklime, dump in a handful of cedar shavings, and then do your thing, dump in another handful of cedar shavings, the toilet paper, and a half-cup of quicklime. Put the lid back on tightly, and light the incense. If you want to get really sophisticated, build an enclosure with a wooden toilet seat … and you’ll never have to use a porta-potty again.

    Of course, there’s the time-honored “squat up against a tree” method too, where you use a handful of grass for toilet paper…

  3. Jim

    Jeez no wonder you get sick – you sit down. I suppose if you squat for a long time after a race you could cramp, collapse and end up on your back on the floor.
    I’m so glad I thought of that image.


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