I’ve had a couple bad days this past week.  In general, I thought I was progressing, but when the day heads south, it is hard keeping upbeat thoughts going.

Yesterday, I guess I had a setback.  I hope it was just a setback.  By 7 or 8 last night, I was close to heading back to the emergency room.  The only thing that stopped me was I have already done it once before and knew what the reaction would be.  So I just figured out a way to shut my eyes and rode it out, somewhat.

I did sleep a couple hours last night.  It wasn’t what I’m trying for, but I am happy the night is done.  I feel a tad better this morning, so maybe the sleep is the reason.

So, deep into the night, or early this morning, I started thinking about if what was going on is that just something went badly wrong and if I didn’t get to the hospital, maybe I was just going to pass out and die.  That was a first.  I wasn’t really scared, but was getting close.  I am normally a pretty optimistic type person, so this is really a bet off-track for me.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  All cyclists crash, it is part of the deal.  I’ve never thought of this is a reason to quit the sport, or any individual race.  And, I’ve hit my head a number of times too.  This one just happened to be a lot worse.

But, I haven’t thought much about dying in my life.  I’m not sure why because I’ve been hurt, fairly badly, lots of times over my life.  I fell out of a tree and ruptured my spleen when I was 6.  That was a close one.  I was hit by a taxi cab just a couple years later.  And it continued.

I hit a car in the British Milk race going well over 100km/hr.  I was out for a while after that. And broke a lot of bones.

But each of those times, it didn’t cross my mind that I might die.

Both of my parents have died.  They didn’t live healthy lives and I sort of have a hard time understanding how they lived as long as they did.  I have had many friends that have died too. From accidents and illness.    Of course, each time I was very sad.  But I didn’t really relate it to my dying.

Hey, I am over 50 years old.  By all tables, even if I get lucky, I’m close to 2/3’s the whole through my life.  Really, I am surprised that I’ve lived this long.  I don’t have too many regrets.

But this head injury is a different deal.  I’ve been hurt nearly as much as I do now, being broken up in other ways.  But this headache/dizzy spinning deal is pretty hard to ride out.  It is like I’ve drank enough that I’m going to be sick and puke, but I haven’t drank anything.  Being nauseated for hours a day isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.

I’ve read up a ton on what is going on with me.  I like to think, and I’ve been told by my doctors, is that I’m going to be fine, eventually.  But my eventually is way quicker than what is currently going on.

I didn’t do anything yesterday that I think should have made me feel so bad for close to 12 hours now, and counting.  At least something that I know about right now. Maybe I will eventually figure it out, I haven’t yet.

I have an ear doctor’s appointment this afternoon.  I have a lot of questions to ask him.  I’m hoping to feel a tad better before that or it is going to be a challenge.  Just sitting in a car has been pretty bad most of the time.  I don’t drive. That will be a big improvement.

Anyway, I need to finish this, I don’t feel good.  I’m not scared of dying.  I know I am going to die. I know that just over a month ago, I could have easily died.  But I learned that wouldn’t have been painful.  I would have just been out doing what I love, riding my bike and then, poof, I’m gone. Of course that would sadden a lot of different people, but humans do die.

This is a little different though.  I hope to get a lot better.  I always thought this recovery was going to be a little challenging, just because of how I feel.  But that I’d eventually be back up to speed.  I never anticipated these setbacks.

Maybe I didn’t get to an article that covered them or something.  I don’t like them.  Laying around for over 20 hours a day doesn’t suit me.  Laying around feeling awful is even worse.  I would like to think that days like yesterday are going to be less and less.  And that it doesn’t continue today.  But, obviously, I don’t know squat about this. I probably won’t until it is all over.

The super moon was a highlight of the night yesterday. If you didn’t get a chance to see it, it you can still go out tonight and it will be impressive. It won’t be this big again until 2034, so it will be a while.

I’ve been trying to lay outside as much as possible. Tucker is always game. And usually at least one cat. It is nice.

Today it has been exactly 5 weeks since I crashed and fractured my skull.  It is hard for me to get a handle on that time frame. Since I don’t really have any agenda, sometimes the days drag like crazy, other times it is slow, but not crazy slow.   It is really day by day.  The days are going alright recently.  I can’t say that I could live like this continually, but compared to just a little over a week ago, I am doing amazingly well.

For sure, I have some issues.  I’m going to KU Med on Monday and spending most of the day there.  I’m doing a MRI on my neck, which isn’t so good, and then spending the rest of the time with the neurologist.  I think she’ll be happy with my progression since I last saw her, but I’m in pretty unfamiliar territory here, so what do I know.

I’ve been walking some outside, and riding the training once or twice a day.  It is hard getting on the trainer when I have a splitting headache, but I know that once I start riding, it gets a ton better.  I’ve up my heart rate to anything below 110.  I kind of did that on my own.  That is enough to sweat, but not really get a workout.  I think I’m riding around 200 watts, which isn’t embarrassingly pitiful considering.

I think most of the reason I’m doing better is that I’m sleeping more.  Last night was another record, over 6 hours.  The thing that always wakes me up is a headache.  It is getting better continually, but I’d love to get in another hour or two.  I think my brain would really appreciate it.

I still have close to 1000 emails I haven’t read yet.  I plan to allocate some time to those soon. The problem with that is when I feel good enough to do that, I’d rather be doing something else.  Life, I guess.

It has been super weather here in Kansas.  That changed last night.  It was in the upper 70’s yesterday, but a cold front blew in last night and it is in the lower 40’s now, which isn’t super cold for November.  One of the highlights of my day is going to the back yard and sitting in the sun with Tucker.  And a cat, which is always up for that.   It’s going to be back in the 60’s early next week, so I can’t really complain.  It has been a warm fall so far.

I’m hoping that on Monday, when seeing the doctor, she’s okay me to do some other exercises. This is close to the longest period of my life I’d been so sedentary.  Even when I’ve been real broken up, I’ve figured out a way to stay relatively fit or in shape.  This one is different.  The risk/reward factor is much higher.   So, it is just spinning inside.

I feel I need to thank everyone again for being so encouraging.  And for all the stuff.  Seems like I’m getting a package nearly everyday.  I’m doing alright.  It could have been a lot, lot, worse.

It is definitely turning fall here in Kansas. A little late really.

I was looking for pictures yesterday and found these. This is me and Andy (Hampsten) at the Coor’s Classic. Bernard Hinault and Greg Lemond are behind/between us.  Andy looks better than the rest of us here.

Here I am at the start of a race in Texas with Eric Heiden. Check out his arms. They still look pretty much like that.

This photo was from the Coor’s race in 1985, after I’d hit the car in England and had only ridden a couple weeks before the race. I’d made it three days and then completely fell apart. The race doctor wanted to take me to the hospital, but I wouldn’t leave my hotel room for some reason. I ended up doing IV’s all night, no sleep, then raced Tahoe to Reno and finished fine. One of the two times in my life I’ve done IV’s at a race. The other time was in Guatemala.   Both times I was in a dire situation. .This is the closest I got to Thomas Dekker’s saga.    And the last time I did an IV, other than 5 weeks ago at the Intensive Care WIng of Stormont Vail.  This photo was at the Harrahs hotel in Reno.