You know, these days are really dragging along.  I’m too tired, or dizzy, to do much more than just sit.  And even though I’m sleeping some, I’m awake way more than I should be, so the days are longer than usual.  I wouldn’t normally mind that, but when I’m too under the weather to do anything productive, then the extra time seems valueless, even though maybe it just a short time, I’ll appreciate it.

Yesterday was Tucker’s 11 month birthday.  He loves running around in the fields that even though it isn’t too great for my energy levels, I’m doing it.  We end up walking a ways, which has to be good for me.  I’m walking pretty slowly, still having a balance issue.  It’s getting better, but it is still bad.

We ate dinner at the Walberg’s house.  It is just two blocks from mine, so it was another short walk.  It is fall here in Kansas now, the evening are cool.  I’m not eating much yet.  I’m not sure what that is all about.  Left over from Seattle, Keith and Catherine make pretty complicated and great meals at night.  This was the same.  It was super.

Yesterday I got a lot of emails.  I looked at some of them, which is kind of a first.  I still have nearly a 1000 I haven’t read.  I’m not sure when I’m going to go through those.  I can’t image doing it now.

I realize that so many of the emails are super uplifting and super nice.  I have to say that I am surprised how many people I don’t really know have reached out with their knowledge and encouragement.  Surprised might not be the right word.  Humbled might be more appropriate.

People I haven’t talked to or seen for years have sent me notes.  Even more is the gifts.  I can’t believe how many packages have come.  Bike tires, books on tapes, Omaha steaks, music, you name it, I have it now.

I have been thinking back upon this whole episode.  I don’t think I appreciated how jacked up I was at first.  I have been recreating the first few days I spent in the intensive care and now realize I don’t have an ability to remember much.  I don’t think I was out of commission.  I think my head hurt so badly that I didn’t have any extra energy to do anything other than try to deal with the pain.  Or throw up.

I have super good friends.  A lot of them.  They were by my side from the second I was laying on the road to leaving the hospital nearly a week later.  Again, at the time I don’t think I appreciated them enough because of my inability to do it at the time.

Joseph Schmalz rode over from Lawrence yesterday to see me.  That was super nice.  He ended up staying over an hour.  I hope he got back before it was dark.  He is racing Kansas State Cylcocross Championships in Kansas City today.  He was hurt pretty good in Hotter than Hell a couple months ago, so is just back into shape.  He should do fine today.  I wish him luck.

Okay, it’s all baby steps.  I’ve been riding the trainer everyday the past week.  Pitiful resistance and pitiful heart rate.  Even though, I feel a ton better just doing something even though it sometimes is a chore getting on it.  When I’m done, I feel the best I’ve felt all day.

I hope to go out to the country again this afternoon.  Bill has been bringing his English Setter too.  I think Catherine is going to come today and bring Jason, a pocket Pomeranian.  Jason is great, but not really a field dog.  He does try though.

These walks are the highlights of my day. At least I can do them somewhat.  It is better than sitting in a chair moping.

Kansas has locust trees. I hate these things. More than once, I’ve impaled myself on these.

Tucker runs continuously. He comes back and checks on us pretty often, but he has things to do.

There is worse things to do than walking around out in the country letting your dog play.

I’ve had a couple bad days this past week.  In general, I thought I was progressing, but when the day heads south, it is hard keeping upbeat thoughts going.

Yesterday, I guess I had a setback.  I hope it was just a setback.  By 7 or 8 last night, I was close to heading back to the emergency room.  The only thing that stopped me was I have already done it once before and knew what the reaction would be.  So I just figured out a way to shut my eyes and rode it out, somewhat.

I did sleep a couple hours last night.  It wasn’t what I’m trying for, but I am happy the night is done.  I feel a tad better this morning, so maybe the sleep is the reason.

So, deep into the night, or early this morning, I started thinking about if what was going on is that just something went badly wrong and if I didn’t get to the hospital, maybe I was just going to pass out and die.  That was a first.  I wasn’t really scared, but was getting close.  I am normally a pretty optimistic type person, so this is really a bet off-track for me.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  All cyclists crash, it is part of the deal.  I’ve never thought of this is a reason to quit the sport, or any individual race.  And, I’ve hit my head a number of times too.  This one just happened to be a lot worse.

But, I haven’t thought much about dying in my life.  I’m not sure why because I’ve been hurt, fairly badly, lots of times over my life.  I fell out of a tree and ruptured my spleen when I was 6.  That was a close one.  I was hit by a taxi cab just a couple years later.  And it continued.

I hit a car in the British Milk race going well over 100km/hr.  I was out for a while after that. And broke a lot of bones.

But each of those times, it didn’t cross my mind that I might die.

Both of my parents have died.  They didn’t live healthy lives and I sort of have a hard time understanding how they lived as long as they did.  I have had many friends that have died too. From accidents and illness.    Of course, each time I was very sad.  But I didn’t really relate it to my dying.

Hey, I am over 50 years old.  By all tables, even if I get lucky, I’m close to 2/3’s the whole through my life.  Really, I am surprised that I’ve lived this long.  I don’t have too many regrets.

But this head injury is a different deal.  I’ve been hurt nearly as much as I do now, being broken up in other ways.  But this headache/dizzy spinning deal is pretty hard to ride out.  It is like I’ve drank enough that I’m going to be sick and puke, but I haven’t drank anything.  Being nauseated for hours a day isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.

I’ve read up a ton on what is going on with me.  I like to think, and I’ve been told by my doctors, is that I’m going to be fine, eventually.  But my eventually is way quicker than what is currently going on.

I didn’t do anything yesterday that I think should have made me feel so bad for close to 12 hours now, and counting.  At least something that I know about right now. Maybe I will eventually figure it out, I haven’t yet.

I have an ear doctor’s appointment this afternoon.  I have a lot of questions to ask him.  I’m hoping to feel a tad better before that or it is going to be a challenge.  Just sitting in a car has been pretty bad most of the time.  I don’t drive. That will be a big improvement.

Anyway, I need to finish this, I don’t feel good.  I’m not scared of dying.  I know I am going to die. I know that just over a month ago, I could have easily died.  But I learned that wouldn’t have been painful.  I would have just been out doing what I love, riding my bike and then, poof, I’m gone. Of course that would sadden a lot of different people, but humans do die.

This is a little different though.  I hope to get a lot better.  I always thought this recovery was going to be a little challenging, just because of how I feel.  But that I’d eventually be back up to speed.  I never anticipated these setbacks.

Maybe I didn’t get to an article that covered them or something.  I don’t like them.  Laying around for over 20 hours a day doesn’t suit me.  Laying around feeling awful is even worse.  I would like to think that days like yesterday are going to be less and less.  And that it doesn’t continue today.  But, obviously, I don’t know squat about this. I probably won’t until it is all over.

The super moon was a highlight of the night yesterday. If you didn’t get a chance to see it, it you can still go out tonight and it will be impressive. It won’t be this big again until 2034, so it will be a while.

I’ve been trying to lay outside as much as possible. Tucker is always game. And usually at least one cat. It is nice.