I’ve had a couple bad days this past week. In general, I thought I was progressing, but when the day heads south, it is hard keeping upbeat thoughts going.
Yesterday, I guess I had a setback. I hope it was just a setback. By 7 or 8 last night, I was close to heading back to the emergency room. The only thing that stopped me was I have already done it once before and knew what the reaction would be. So I just figured out a way to shut my eyes and rode it out, somewhat.
I did sleep a couple hours last night. It wasn’t what I’m trying for, but I am happy the night is done. I feel a tad better this morning, so maybe the sleep is the reason.
So, deep into the night, or early this morning, I started thinking about if what was going on is that just something went badly wrong and if I didn’t get to the hospital, maybe I was just going to pass out and die. That was a first. I wasn’t really scared, but was getting close. I am normally a pretty optimistic type person, so this is really a bet off-track for me.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. All cyclists crash, it is part of the deal. I’ve never thought of this is a reason to quit the sport, or any individual race. And, I’ve hit my head a number of times too. This one just happened to be a lot worse.
But, I haven’t thought much about dying in my life. I’m not sure why because I’ve been hurt, fairly badly, lots of times over my life. I fell out of a tree and ruptured my spleen when I was 6. That was a close one. I was hit by a taxi cab just a couple years later. And it continued.
I hit a car in the British Milk race going well over 100km/hr. I was out for a while after that. And broke a lot of bones.
But each of those times, it didn’t cross my mind that I might die.
Both of my parents have died. They didn’t live healthy lives and I sort of have a hard time understanding how they lived as long as they did. I have had many friends that have died too. From accidents and illness. Of course, each time I was very sad. But I didn’t really relate it to my dying.
Hey, I am over 50 years old. By all tables, even if I get lucky, I’m close to 2/3’s the whole through my life. Really, I am surprised that I’ve lived this long. I don’t have too many regrets.
But this head injury is a different deal. I’ve been hurt nearly as much as I do now, being broken up in other ways. But this headache/dizzy spinning deal is pretty hard to ride out. It is like I’ve drank enough that I’m going to be sick and puke, but I haven’t drank anything. Being nauseated for hours a day isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.
I’ve read up a ton on what is going on with me. I like to think, and I’ve been told by my doctors, is that I’m going to be fine, eventually. But my eventually is way quicker than what is currently going on.
I didn’t do anything yesterday that I think should have made me feel so bad for close to 12 hours now, and counting. At least something that I know about right now. Maybe I will eventually figure it out, I haven’t yet.
I have an ear doctor’s appointment this afternoon. I have a lot of questions to ask him. I’m hoping to feel a tad better before that or it is going to be a challenge. Just sitting in a car has been pretty bad most of the time. I don’t drive. That will be a big improvement.
Anyway, I need to finish this, I don’t feel good. I’m not scared of dying. I know I am going to die. I know that just over a month ago, I could have easily died. But I learned that wouldn’t have been painful. I would have just been out doing what I love, riding my bike and then, poof, I’m gone. Of course that would sadden a lot of different people, but humans do die.
This is a little different though. I hope to get a lot better. I always thought this recovery was going to be a little challenging, just because of how I feel. But that I’d eventually be back up to speed. I never anticipated these setbacks.
Maybe I didn’t get to an article that covered them or something. I don’t like them. Laying around for over 20 hours a day doesn’t suit me. Laying around feeling awful is even worse. I would like to think that days like yesterday are going to be less and less. And that it doesn’t continue today. But, obviously, I don’t know squat about this. I probably won’t until it is all over.